Bums, baby oil and bonking!

Doesn’t quite sound like the Kim Wilde we’ve come to know and love eh readers. But that’s because we’ve put young Kimmy o the test this week, playing the amazing and rather revealing ‘Number One’ Word Game. This is where we put a selectionof quick-fire words to the patient on the couch, to which they have to reply with the first word that comes into their head. Then we go back over the responses with our resident shrink, Doctor Von Gisella, to analyse the deeper, hidden feelings that provoked the response.

Now let’s go a little deeper into Kim’s mind

Ashtray. “That’s because I couldn’t think of anything and there was this ashtray on the table (Sounds like Kimmy’s trying to hide something here – Ze Doc). Well I have very negative feelings about bottoms… OK I’ll admit it, as soon as you said ‘bottom’ I thought of a bum (laughs)… and it was uncontrollable (hysterical laughter). Yes that’s it, an uncontrollable bum! A bum with a life of its own!
(Er, I think zat speaks for itself – Ze Doc)

Pin. “That’s because of that stupid song ‘Needles and pins’ by, er… whoever it was by. (Ze object of zis one was to see if Kim would mention acupuncture, vhich she’s apparently dabbled in, why didn’t she mention it? – Ze Doc) I’ve only had that done a few times. I do believe in acupuncture being helpful though, for all kinds of things.”
(I think zat you should have some therapy for your memory Kim, you obviously didn’t remember having zose big needles stuck into you – Ze Doc)

Dime Bar. “They’re my favourite sweets, undoubtedly. Crunchies used to be but Dime Bars are just right, they’re just lovely!!”
(Here ve can see zat Kim definitely has a rather bad case of vhat ve medical people call ze ‘sweet tooth’, a common complaint vith no known cure – Ze Doc)

Monroe. “That’s obvious really, I’m sure if you said blonde to anyone they’d come up with the same answer.”
(I vould have said Kim here but zere you go!? – Ze Doc)

Big Mac. “I absolutely adore them. And having just done a lot of touring, travelling around and staying in hotels and eating in restaurants, although it’s very nice, after a few months of it I was becoming very icky. I just needed some good plain junk food. So when I just want to spoil myself I go for a Big Mac. With chips an a chocolate milk shake of course!”

Crystal. “Crystal glasses in my family were always like the most precious thing in the house. They were put in the cupboard and my mum was very into her crystal glasses. I haven’t got any myself. And I don’t wear glasses either!”
(Aaaah, a rejecttion of vhat her mother held dear, couple with ze fact zat she doesn’t wear glasses, zis must mean… er somezing quite important – Ze Doc)

Nose Job. “They guy who does my hair has a perfect nose job and his hooter looks gorgeous. He told me about it the other day and I was really impressed because it looked so perfect on his face. And also because I’ve been reading about Michael’s nos job today… it’s not as good a job as my hairdresser’s anyway!”
(Kim didn’t feel zat she could mention her own plastic surgery whcih vhen you analyse it, means she hasn’t had any – Ze Doc)

Crap. “Yeah, they irritate me, in fact it’s not so much the papers it’s the photographers that go with them I find them more nauseating. I’ve been in close contact with a few Fleet Street photographers recently and they’re just so sexist, they talk to you in a very chauvinist way. I don’t mind doing smouldering photographs and all that, but they don’t even have a sense of humour about it, they just say ‘get your knees out luv’ and ‘pull your jumper down a bit’…. I just think ‘oh gaaad!'”
(Kim is a very vell-educated voman and vould like to deal with people of a similar intellect, not, ‘ow you say, ze ‘bit of rough’ – Ze Doc)

Problems. “There’s problems if you haven’t got it and problems if you have! I hate having to discuss it and work it all out with my advisors, mind you I’d rather have it than not have it!”
(Aah, a touch of honesty, Kim says vhat she means and means vhat she says – Ze Doc)

Bliss. “I’ve just had a very blissful one, I went to Cornwall with a few friends for a week on a farm. I was feeding the animals!”
(How refreshing, none of zis jet-setting lark for Kim, obviously a down-to-earth fraulein at heart – Ze Doc)

Warm. “That’s how love should be, I think it should make you feel warm. Maybe I should change that with problems (laughs) because that’s what I normally get. When it’s good it’s warm, when it’s not it’s problems! But I can handle them!”
(Strength of character too, eh – Ze Doc)

Health. “I’m quite aware of my di, not actually going on a diet, but what I consume. Apart from the Big Mac sessions, I’m into vitamins and fa treduction and those sorts of things. I can’t follow a diet, I just try to be aware of what I’m eating generally.”
(We see here zat Kim has ze crisis of conscience vhen it comes to zat basic human need, food. Zere are two basic cures here, eat nossing and die, or eat everysing you see and enjoy it. I receommend the latter – Ze Doc)

Baby oil
Back massage. “(Lots of giggling) Oooops, that’s a bit of a give-away isn’t it. Put it this way, you can’t do it without it!”
(Now ze massage is one therapy I vould advise everyone to try, especially if zey are vith Kim Vilde at ze time – Ze Doc)

The Sun. “Oh sorry, I didn’t mean, yoi know, i nthe sun, I meant ‘The Sun’ newspaper, that’s the kind of word they use isn’t it. BONKING BORIS BECKER!!”
(Actually I sought of my Uncle Bonk who lives i nze Bavarian mountains vith his goat – Ze Doc)

Challenges. “Oh, why did I say that? I think it’s because I find it a challenge to get on with men without them thinking that er… you know, I mean friendly and casual. I find it a challenge for them to get to know me as a person, so that challenge is not to get them but for them to talk to me and not to Kim Wilde the sex symbol.”
(I know exactly vhat you mean Kimmy, I have ze same problems vith ze frauleins too, oh it’s hard being ze famous doc – Ze Doc)

Embarrassing. “I find her totally embarrassing, her videos, her records, her attitude etc. I’m overwhelmed at the response to her, I can’t quite believe it… it’s like a bad dream.”
(Again ve have ze agreement, I have ze dreams about zis Sabrina voman too but mine are good dreams, in fact I wish zey vould never end – Ze Doc)

Jungle. “My friend has just come bac kfrom the Amazon and she was in the jungle with loads of wild animals, tshe actually saw a puma and went swimming in piranha-infested waters!
(Kim didn’t menation herself here, as in ‘Wilde’, a sure sign she’s not a selfish person – Ze Doc)

Friendly. “I had to think hard about that one because I was a bit surprised about how friendly it all was. I’d always been so awe-inspired by Wembley, you know, seeing concerts when I was younger, and it always looked so vast and impersonal. But when I was there and playing it all seemed so small and friendly, it was really weird.”
(Quite obvious zis one, Kimmy found zis Wembley place very friendly, she vas not sitting in Row 68 vith me and ze wife zen! – Ze Doc)

Simple. “(Kim got a little confused about zis one and didn’t know vhether to comment on me or her – Ze Doc) Simple? Oh that was me, yes, I’m very simple, a lot less complicated tha nI think I am, I think most people are actually. Most of us are quite straightforward.”
(I hope not or I vill be out of a job! – Ze Doc)

Telephone. “No, I didn’t think of one on my finger because I’m not a big lover of jewellery… I get a lot of phone calls though!”
(I sink in order for me to analyse zis one Kim you must first be giving me your phone number…. – Ze Doc)

Sleep. “That’s what I mostly do in bed (giggles yet again). I dream a lot, mostly they’re very dynamic, actionpacked sort of dreams, full of all kinds of strange people, mostly unknown, and they’re often running after me…”
(Vell you’ve certainly got me flummaxed zere! – Ze Doc)

Doctor Von Gisella’s Diagnosis:

I vould liketo say zat Miss Vilde vas a very villing patient, quite comfortable and at ease talking about bottoms that have a mind of their own, zat old favourite ze back massage, and a quite natural loathing of zat Sabrina voman. All in all, after my professional and highly detailed analysis, I vould conclude zat Miss Vilde is a natural, vell-balaced and regular sort of fraulein. In fact, nossing out of ze ordinary at all! Now, Kim, about that back massage…
(you’re sacked Doc – Ed)